Photos and words
Today I finished my lesson plans for work. I took a sick day today as I can’t shake this cold and also seem to have developed pink eye in the mix too. Anyway, I still had the energy to get a few things checked off my to do list and had a satisfying chuckle as I realized I was being paid to work on these lesson plans after all. They took a number of hours but I feel accomplished and professional now having them finished. I just have to print them off.
I’m starting a seasonal self reflection course next week and am so excited for it. I still long for monumental moments like I had during my trip, with all my heart. But I’m still working on getting better and once I do hopefully my energy will be up to manifesting that sort of thing. It’s rare for it to happen at home- I usually have to be out of my comfort zone to find it. We shall see.
I’ve found a number of great blogs and online inspiration recently that project snippets of directions I’d love to head in the future. It is essential for me these days.
Currently living through the second guesses, polarities, comfortability, safety, love and wonder that comes with a mind settled. Always wondering where or what it will lead to next.
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Thursday, March 19th, 2015
I feel as though I’ve been alone a lot today. My mom and sister are returning on the Via train tonight from a short trip to Terrace. I’ve had the place to myself for two days. It’s been Jasper and me. I think we both got kind of depressed. I set up a bed for him in the living room so it would be easier for him to watch the goings on and wait for the two missing parts. He’s sitting there now- head up- ears perked- listening and waiting. I am too.
I still have a cold and questionable pink eye.
I went out last night to see a musician at a local brewery who my Albertan family knows. We got to talk, dance, and listen all night long. It was a great musical time with a few interesting moments. When I walked into the venue I did a quick scan and realized I new, quite well, most people in the room. There were a group of doctors there and it made me feel awkward. I feel for those folks. For myself, I tend to feel awkward around doctors as I sense there’s this superiority complex going on. Like, because they’re from out of town and have a Dr. in front of their name- they know my body more than I do, are more intelligent and in general are superior human beings. I can’t shake it. The next time I see a doctor, I’ll try to talk to them about it. For a good part of the night I tried my best to not look at their corner of the room. Now that the moment has passed I’ve found the confidence to investigate and verbalize what was going on for me. Hmmm.
I got home at 3am and thus slept in this morning. Jasper and I hung out for a bit then I went downtown with my dad. I went shopping, to the bank and out for a bite to eat at Seahorse. I got home and sulked a bit for being alone. I need a lot of alone time- but prefer it in the silent company of others it seems. It was a sunny day so Jasper and I went for a walk to a corner store where I bought a lot of food- I was feeling inspired to cook. After the long walk home I watched a bit of TV and fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up the sun had already set. I put on a few old tapes and began cooking.
There’s a chocolate chip banana cake in the oven- and it smells amazing. I also made my first fritatta(?) and could eat all of it, if I thought it was acceptable. At the start of the night I baked chicken in a pineapple sauce and made my first fried rice dish for it to go with. In all, the chicken and fried rice dish don’t go the best together- but I’m feeling pretty accomplished.
Again, my mind alternates from this accomplishment to sadness from being alone. I realize how hard and awkward it is for me to invite a friend over at the last moment. I’ve also been saying no to a lot of social and adventurous opportunities. I’m stillllll stick. I can’t help but wonder if it’s my mind right now- making me sick. It has almost been 3 weeks. So, again, I’m playing into the down time, the quiet, lonely, and stagnant time, in hopes that it will lead to a catapulting spring time of adventure and connection.
I can’t wait until my family gets home.
On the to do list soon there’s: finish up easter prep for the pool, have a backyard campfire, start reaching out to people ( once energy really returns), put away laundry, internet things ( my concentration while I’m connected is in the negative these days). On continue.
